Much Needed Vacation

Starting back at the beginning. When it was first announced that we would be under Quarantine it was only going to be for a couple of weeks and then we would return to our normal lives. With this information I immediately felt some relief from all the stress that had built up slowly over the past few years. To back up a bit, four years ago I decided to get a job at the Elementary school where my youngest attended at the time. After accepting that my kids were growing up way too fast and now they were full time in school I decided I too would get myself a full time job. I wanted something that would bring in some extra income but also would allow me to have enough of a flexible schedule that I could still be around for my children. It wasn't long after starting my full time job that I realized what an adjustment it would be. I find it so crazy that I will be going on year 4 working full time and I am still adjusting. Being a stay at home Mom for 12 years and then entering the workforce was way harder than I imagined. Don’t get me wrong I love my job and the kids I get to work with. I also love my co-workers but my reality was less than perfect. With that said, I was running on low for way too long. The idea of being able to have a few weeks off of work sounded refreshing and  for a brief moment I felt relaxed and happy. But only for a brief moment. The very next day we received news that by Governor Bakers orders we would remain in Quarantine until April 7th. All of a sudden I felt trapped. My anxiety began to rise in a way I hadn't felt in a while. My chest began to tighten, breathing became cumbersome. The walls seemed to begin closing in all around me. From that day on it was all down hill. I didn't even get a week of relaxing. Determined to make the most of it I did what I know best, make a list. A list of ideas on what we could do. Try to embrace things and accept them for what they were. The first thing I decided to fill my time with was exploring my hand at sketching. Art has always been something special to me but I had never really done much myself regarding drawing and painting. It was a fairly new experience and surprisingly I found that I had a hidden talent for it. I spent two weeks sketching, painting and dragging my kids into it with me. I followed a favorite author Jarrett Krosoczka on his daily Youtube drawing videos with my children. It was fun to explore this new talent and to see what I could do. It became annoying to my family and to go along with my high spirited personality I quickly became bored and obviously needed to move on to the next project. That's for another post though. Enjoy some of my art work and some that we created as a family. It definitely helped distract me for a short period of time. 

Quarantine 2020

Wow!! It’s so crazy to visit this blog and to see all the memories. I’m super excited to revive this with new updates and of course lots of pictures. I wanted to preface before I started sharing the past couple of months because I didn’t want it to seem as if the past 76 days have been easy or glorious in any way. It has been rough but like everything hard in life, time can reveal a whole new perspective on things. A few days ago as I was scrolling through the photos on my phone trying to find one I wanted to send to my sister; I discovered how much I had done in the past 76 days of Quarantine. I only then realized looking back in time through these photos that as agonizing as I had been feeling, my days  actually had been filled with lots of productive projects and of course some nice family memories. Anyone who knows me well knows I struggle to focus and see the positive on a day to day basis (something I am diligently working to improve) however I am able to both acknowledge and accept that about myself. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which I discovered is not a good combo during a Pandemic where you are forced to isolate yourself. It took a lot of strength to keep myself busy and to continue to find things to fill my time so I would not find myself in a dark pit of despair. So, along with the rest of the world I learned to maneuver my new normal by attempting to keep my kids on track with school work while still backing my philosophy of independence and natural consequences. By the way, I think my philosophy is frowned upon by most teachers, especially in our town!😜 Figuring out my new role as a paraprofessional in remote learning🤣 and then the normal things of feeding my family (apparently being home all day means I must provide many meals for my family🙄), doing chores and then of course filling the remaining 12 hours of my day! I am excited to share what will sure to be way too many posts from the past 76 days which I shall call My Journey through Quarantine as seen through rose colored glasses. Sit back and enjoy the ride!

A Journey Of Growth

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Melisa Yeager                                                                                                               

Professor Ford

ENGL-100 E84

Memoir Assignment

The Day My World Stopped

    The events of that day were happening too fast for me to comprehend. The day started great and there was no way for me to for see the horror I would face later that evening. It was June 28th, 2006, "my birthday". I had always looked forward to my birthday, I loved that it was the one day of the year where I felt entitled to be selfish. To be able to think of myself  for a change instead of everyone else around me. To be able to have other people notice me and celebrate me. These were the things that made me love my birthday, until that day.

We had been house sitting for some friends while they were out of town. My sister had planned for her family and a friend of ours to come by that day to sing happy birthday and eat cake. My friend offered to babysit my two kids so that I could go on a date and celebrate with my husband. I was hesitant at first, I wasn't sure that I wanted to leave my kids. This was something I had always struggled with from the moment I gave birth to my daughter. When I held her for the first time, I felt this overwhelming love and knew that I would do anything for her. Becoming a parent for me had changed my perspective on life. I viewed things differently. My children always came first. Because of this I struggled with seeing that it was equally as important to spend alone time with my husband  from time to time. To take the time to nourish my marriage. Knowing this combined with that it was my birthday I felt it was ok to go out that evening. So when we finished with the cake my friend packed up my two kids and they left.

My husband and I went to see the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. It turned out to have a pretty heavy theme that I hadn't expected. It was about a man who couldn't appreciate the little moments in life and ends up fast forwarding through his life, then noticing that he had missed out on his whole life. At the end he is able to go back and have a completely different perspective towards his life. I hadn't anticipated crying in that movie but I did. We got in the car and we were thinking of what to do next. I was debating whether I wanted to eat dinner with just my husband and be able to enjoy a quiet dinner or go by and pick up the kids and eat as a family. My husband told me it was my choice since it was my birthday and he was up for either. Just then the phone rang. I looked down and saw their name, it was my friends that were babysitting. At that moment my heart dropped as it  had many times before when we would leave them with someone. It would always be something silly that they wanted to know never anything serious. So I picked up the phone and all of a sudden I couldn't breath, it was my friends husband, he told me that we needed to meet his wife in the ER at Baystate. He told me that she took an ambulance with my 13 month old because he drank some paint thinner. I said ok and hung up. I then told my husband where to go. I was explaining to my husband what I was told and trying to process it at the same time. I asked my husband " what does this mean?" and he said " I don't know".

I felt sick to my stomach and almost dizzy as we arrived at the hospital. I didn't wait for my husband to come to a complete stop when I jumped out of the car and bolted through the ER doors. I was asking everyone for my son and no one seemed to know if he was there. They told me that maybe I had beat the ambulance there and I needed to calm down and just take a seat until they could figure things out. But I was in no condition to sit so I paced instead until the nurse came out and said they had found him. His name wasn't on the board yet because his parents hadn't arrived yet to fill out paperwork so they didn't know he was there. They took me and my husband to him. When we reached the door to the room the pain I felt was unbearable as I looked at my baby lying on the bed. My friend kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again but I couldn't even look at her at that moment. All I could do was focus on my baby and how his eyes were rolled in the back of his head and how he kept grunting. His abdomen was hard and he looked like he was in pain. It is the worst feeling in the world to stand there watching your child suffer and not be able to do a single thing to help.

The rest of that night was a complete nightmare. My brain could not keep up with what was happening. They originally told me that they were going to let it run it's course and hopefully it would be out of his system and I would probably take him home that night.They proceeded to tell me they were going to put a breathing tube in as a precaution since they anticipated him having breathing difficulties but as they went to insert the tube he ended up vomiting and aspirating, some of the fluid got into his lungs. Very soon after that he had a seizure. The doctors now told me that they were moving him up to NICU and that they were still hopeful that he would pull out and I would be able to take him home within weeks. After they got him situated they discovered that things were a lot worse than they expected and they now needed to get him to Boston's Children's Hospital where they had some kind of lung machine that would be able to help him. At this point it would be months of recovery at least and no way to tell what other damages could've been caused nor what kind of life he would have if he pulled through. I wish more than anything that the rest of this story would be me telling you how we overcame the odds, how quickly he recovered and how he is now a healthy 7 year old boy and that night was just a horrible obstacle in the past but I can't, that's not how the story ended.

They made arrangments for us to take an ambulance, since he was in such critical condition they weren't going to separate us. If he had gone by helicopter he would've gotten there faster but we wouldn't have been together. They decided that my husband would ride in the back since mother's tend to get too emotional and often interfere if things go wrong. For the first time in my life I let go of the control and I let my husband sit with baby while I sat helplessly in the front seat. Now I'm sure that it was just because of  how horrible the night was but to me it felt like the ambulance driver was driving SO slow. It was the middle of the night and the Mass Pike felt like a ghost town. There were NO cars on the highway and somehow it still seemed like he was barely moving. All of a sudden he started pulling over on the side of the highway. It was right before the Worcester exit. The driver got out of the ambulance and I knew, I didn't want to believe it but I knew. He opened my door and said they wanted me in the back. I stepped out feeling like I was carrying a ton of bricks. Each step was excruciating. I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to see but nothing can prepare you for that moment when you see your child dead. They opened the doors and my husband was sobbing.  I could barely get into the ambulance. That was the moment when my life stopped. Everyone in the whole world aside from me, my husband and my baby were still living life as if nothing had happened where as for me, my life as I knew it had ended. The moments that followed that felt like a blur. All I could do was hold my baby and cry.

The happy part to this story didn't happen right away and it has been an ongoing process. But thanks to my daughter and the strength my Heavenly Father gave me I was able to move forward from that horrible day where I lost a piece of myself. I will never be able to go back and be the same person I was before. That Melisa died the day my son died. The person I have become is one who works hard every day to be the best Mom I can be. At first I couldn't celebrate my birthday. I felt so guilty and blamed myself for being selfish and wanting to spend time with just my husband. I had convinced myself that if I had just chosen to not go out that night my son would still be with me. I have come a long way since then and now know that there wasn't anything wrong with me wanting to go out and spend a little bit of quiet time with my husband. I can now celebrate my birthday again without feeling guilty I just prefer to spend it with my whole family. Since then I have given birth to two beautiful boys and think of my son daily. It is something I have to live with and I think in a way I will always be grieving his death but this experience has shown me to enjoy life and appreciate the NOW. You never know how much time you will have with the people you love so don't waste it. Savour every moment.

  

About Me

Melisa Yeager

I am 28 years old and a stay at home Mom who has decided recently to go back to school and work on getting my Nursing Degree. I have three children ages 9, 5 & 3. My life is crazy busy all the time but I wouldn't change it for anything! I created this blog to display the work I have completed this semester in my English Comp. class. I hope you enjoy reading them.

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Photographs

I was thinking the other day about how much I love photos. Pictures are magical in my opinion. Have you noticed that they almost always seem to capture the best times in your life. Everytime I'm feeling a bit down which seems to be quite a bit lately I love to just pull out some and sit down and look at all the wonderful things that have happened throughout my life. It's amazing to remember all the people who have shared moments of your life. It's hard sometimes when you get stuck in this rut in your life and you feel like everything sucks and you've done nothing exciting and everything that could go wrong has and how is it that you can even still get up in the morning and function. I know that not everyone can relate with me on some of my feelings towards life but there are some of you that will read this and just know exactly where I'm coming from. Five years ago my life changed in a way I never could have forseen. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to face. Surprisingly I made it through but not untouched. This event made me realize how fragile life is and how we should always live our life in a way where we can live with no regrets. I know that's pretty impossible so I had decided that I would do my best to enjoy every day and try not to stress over the little things. Now as you all know life goes on (even when you don't want it to) and it becomes hard to figure out what things are worthy to stress over. Now I did good for a while but then got caught up in life and decided to just hand out stress like it was nothing. I get all caught up in my problems that I forget to see the blessings that are right in front of me. So with all that said I have decided to recommit myself to my thoery of enjoying life and living in the moment. My husband looked at me like I was completly insane but I have decided to do some exciting things and not think about it to much because from what I've learned so far from my photographs is that memories are priceless. And I don't want to wake up some day thinking I wish I had done it. I read this article the other day and loved this part of it. "Happiness as I understand it-and there is much disagreement on this, I know- happiness is not something you seek, but rather the by product of doing things that make you happy. I think this applies pretty well whether you define happiness as momentary hedonic pleasure or deeper, longer-lasting fulfilment. In either case, you can't "try" to be happy; you do things that will make you happy as a result. To put it another way, you can't try to find happiness; happiness will find you when you do things you enjoy."

Pictures at the Beach

Cape Cod Vacation!

We just got back from a week at the Cape. Some friends of ours offered us an extra Time share for the week so we jumped on it. It was very nice to get out of town for a little bit and forget just a little about all our worries and spend time as a family. We've never been to the Cape so we didn't really know what to expect. Even though the weather wasn't what we had hoped for this past week we still were able to enjoy ourselves and make most of the week. We stayed at Sandcastle resort in Province Town. I loved the little town and how much there was to do. We went to the beach to walk out during low tide which was so much fun. We were able to see some cool things. We found Mermaids purses, clam shells, oysters, crabs, horseshoe crabs. The kids enjoyed themselves so much. On a couple of the really crumby days we swam at the indoor pool which wasn't as warm as I thought it would be but still so much fun. A few of the places we went that I would totally recommend if you are ever out in the Cape area are Race Point Beach a must, we went on a critter cruise which I would do again but preferable on a day with warmer weather. The Highland Light house I think was the name. We went to the Pennimans House which is the picture with the kids on the porch. We couldn't go inside but there was a trail to walk which was a really nice. We are very grateful to have such nice friends that would be so generous in letting us tag along. We had a lot of fun and hope to go back to the cape someday.

Noel Metzger

I have to say I do think Noel is a little weird. :) I love her so much though I don't know what I would've done through all my tough times if I hadn't had her friendship. She is a pretty amazing woman and I always wonder how I can steel a little of her energy so that I may accomplish just half of what she accomplishes in a day. I do think her husband Joe has an amazing talent and if you haven't seen his work just go back in my posts and see all the pictures he has taken for my family. I absolutely love them. You could also remember the next time your at my house to check out his painting that is hung by my front door. I Love It! ( make sure to tell Noel how much you like it too) I am grateful the Metzgers are a part of our lives and we love them so much! ( I typed this post on my phone or else I would've added a nice picture of Noel to the post so for now just pretend it's there)

We went to the neurologist last Tuesday and she had the results to the MRI. It turns out it wasn't a normal MRI and something different came up on his. On the left part of his brain he has a clump that is called "Periventricular Heterotopia". Which basically means that between the 2nd and 4th month of pregnancy when his brain is developing there are cells that migrate to the edges of the brain and some of his did not. so instead they clumped up and are now causing the seizures. They put him on medication he is taking Keppra twice a day and will continue for a while. I don't know for sure but it seems like the medicine has controlled the seizures seeing that he has not had another. But we will see for sure when the day comes that they may want to reduce the dose. He is doing great and you would never know by looking at him that he experienced any of this. He has been a super trooper through it all and has shown more patience than I could ever have. He's also been very good at taking the medicine (thank goodness). We thank everyone for all the prayers and are very grateful to have so many people who love Caleb. Here are some funny looking pictures of Caleb when he had his EEG!







The little red monster was given to him at the MRI appointment to be his buddy during the procedure. He was able to name him and take him home with him. He named him "I don't know I don't know". We thought that was pretty funny>

What a Scare!

I had quite the scare this weekend that reminded me that just as you think your life is under control and everything is running smooth you are suddenly awakend from that day dream and your Faith is yet tested again. There is no doubt in my mind that my Heavenly Father loves me and that he has given me the Gift of the Holy Ghost that is always there to comfort me at all the right times. So anyways I'm sure your dying to know what was this scare? Well Thursday night my sweet little Caleb had a seizure. It was one of the most terrifying things that I have witnessed. It was a moment of panic on my part and struggling to not fall completely apart I was able to call our good friend Len ( who happens to be an ER Doctor and lives about a minute up the street) and quickly after 911. The ambulance arrived very quick and we made our way to the hospital where everything checked out fine and we came back home that night with orders to follow-up with the pediatrician the next day. I made the appointment the next morning and Caleb woke up that morning feeling great. So even though my nerves were shot at this point I was feeling better than the night before. We dropped the kids off at my sisters later that day and heading to the doctors with Caleb who was a little upset that he couldn't stay and play at my sisters as well. When we were about two minutes from the doctors office he had another seizure in the car. At this point I just wanted to die. Thinking I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. But boy does Heavenly Father like to prove me wrong. The Holy Ghost steps right in and helps me to get through all this as calm as possible. We pull over so I can get him on his side and the seizure finishes and we hurry our way to the doctors since we figure we are closer there than the Hospital. They check him at the office and he is doing well at this point except for that he is exhausted and past out through all this. So they give us the option to either go home or the Hospital for a 24 hr observance. Bet you can't guess what we chose? Yeah we chose the Hospital because with all this being new to us I was scared of another one. So we drove to the hospital where they had a room waiting for us and spent the night. Caleb actually had a good time. I think he enjoyed the one on one attention he got from Us. Kaleigh and Zachary spent the night at my sisters. I think they had fun as well. It's a pretty fun house to be at I've been told by my kids. So we spent the night seizure free and got to go home the next day knowing pretty much the same as we did when we were admitted. The good news is he has been fine since and hasn't had another seizure, bad news is that we will probably have a million more appointments ahead of us. He had an EEG today that I will post a picture later of him with all his wires. He did amazing for this test. Friday is the MRI and Tuesday appointment with Neurologist. I will keep you updated when I find the time. In the meantime we can use all the prayers we can get. So keep them coming. I'd like to just mention how grateful I am for all our family and friends who have done so much for us over the weekend it was all appreciated so much. I am grateful and fortunate right now to have my sister so close who let's me put the bulk of work on her. I love her alot and will miss her greatly when we move someday. I am grateful to have such a wonderful daughter who has been so helpful even though she doesn't like or understand what's going on. Grateful for my husband who is always there to give me emotional support and remind me when I'm being a little crazy. Grateful for everyone who came to the hospital to let Caleb know they loved him. It was nice for him to have so many visitors. Thanks again to everyone who helped and everyone who I will continue to ask for help just know how much I appreciate it. I am grateful for all the blessings that we have recieved this weekend. Thanks for the prayers again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately which is not a very good thing for me seeing that it requires to much energy that I don't have. I'm sure this is why I have not accomplished much in my life up to this point. I always said that I am going to live one day at a time and not stress out about what's going to happen tomorrow if we don't do this or that. I have to say this is a huge challenge I face each day as I wake up terrified of what the day will bring, what bill will arrive in the mail box?, what will Kaleigh's school ask of us?, What will the children want from me?, what will the husband ask of me?, What chores must I finish? ...etc Now through all this I remind myself that this is just another day and the same things will come back to haunt me the next day so I try to stop and see what I have in my life. I have three beautiful children here with me and one amazing son who has moved on to live with our Heavenly Father.I have a wonderful Husband (even though he drives me bonkers) that goes to work every day to support us, I have a Sister who loves me, I have a mom who I love with all my heart and wish that she knew how to relax a little so she didn't worry as much,I have a Father who I miss terribly , I have been blessed with countless friends who have been amazing to me and my family and so much more I could go on and on. I am grateful for the gospel and what it has done in my life and I'm grateful for everyone who has been a part of my life at one time or another just know that you have helped shape me into the woman I am today. I love you all and hope to be better at sharing pictures and what's going on in our life for those of you who care!

Here are a bunch of pictures of different things we've been up to lately. There's an air show we went to in westfield where we spent quite a bit of time in traffic. There's Zachary's first hair cut and first birthday. His party and the actual day of his birthday which we spent camping at Camp Joseph. Aquarium picture with our good friends the Jensens. And Of course Kaleigh's First day of first grade. Can't forget that it was a big day for her. Their might be a few more I've forgotten about but I hope you'll enjoy them til' I post again. OH the last picture is one of our favorite missionaries who just got transfered. I know what your thinking he doesn't like us as much as we like him I didn't notice til now that he's like a hundred feet away from the rest of us.